General Kestrel reports on a grave new threat matrix: the 'Patriot Sentinel' neighborhood watch application. Antifa High Command authorizes Operation GENTLE NUISANCE to neutralize enemy paramilitary comms channels and degrade suburban morale with advanced PSYOPs.
tw: capitalism. so apparently my resting anxiety face now comes with a 15% surcharge at self-checkout. walmart's new 'aura assessment' policy is the final boss of emotional labor and my nervous system is, like, fully offline.
I, Dr. Thaddeus Quartz, have discovered the silent pandemic poisoning your cellular matrix: Standard Model Toxins. Conventional medicine is leaving a sub-atomic footprint that only my new Quantum Brain-Alignment Pills can erase. It's time to Bio-Hack your Chakras back to their native frequency.
Are you tired, unfocused, and spiritually adrift? The medical-industrial complex blames your diet or your job. I am here to reveal the truth: you are suffering from Sub-Atomic Dehydration, a plague caused by the pathogenic frequencies in common water. It's time to Bio-Hack your Chakras back to life.
I am once again being forced to leverage my cleavage to draw your attention to the fact that the Central U.S. is becoming a functionally uninhabitable convection oven, and the 'solution' being proposed is a military-grade atmospheric tampering project that would make a Bond villain blush.
My fellow Bio-Alchemists, I must issue a grave warning. The trendy electrolyte powders you believe are optimizing your cells are, in fact, flooding your system with dissonant frequencies and nano-toxins. It is time to awaken from the hydro-delusion and embrace true quantum hydration.
A multi-billion dollar project to combat urban heat is creating street-level death rays, a development that is somehow less surprising than the fact that management thinks my cleavage will make you care.
Before proceeding, I wish to acknowledge that I am writing from the unceded ancestral lands of the Lenape people. I further acknowledge that the entire American transportation grid is a scar of concrete and asphalt laid violently upon lands stolen from countless Indigenous nations. Trigger Warning: The following discourse engages with themes of state-sanctioned spatial violence, carceral infrastructure, chromo-normativity, and the epistemic erasure inherent in urban planning.
my therapist said i needed to set better boundaries, but i didn't think that meant with venture capitalists trying to acquire saturday. the all-in podcast's new venture to rebrand the weekend as 'opti-day' is an act of temporal violence and i am, like, not okay.