HOT GIRL SUMMER: Texas Reaches Lethal Wet-Bulb Limits (And Yes, I Have To Show You The Girls To Get Clicks)

I have a Ph.D. in atmospheric physics from MIT. I spent five years analyzing ice core samples in Greenland. But according to the SEO managers at WiredNeuron, absolutely none of you will read about the impending thermal collapse of the American South unless I put "the girls" on display in the header image. So here they are. Enjoy the cleavage, you absolute degenerates. I hope the sight of my chest provides some fleeting dopamine before your internal organs shut down from heatstroke. Now, please, for the love of God, look at the meteorological data I have compiled.

According to the latest readings from the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration (NOAA), the Texas Gulf Coast is currently experiencing sustained wet-bulb temperatures exceeding 32 degrees Celsius. For those of you whose brains haven't been entirely liquefied by the alpha-male brain pills advertised on the sidebar, "wet-bulb temperature" measures heat and humidity combined. Once it hits 35 degrees Celsius, the human body can no longer cool itself by sweating. You just cook from the inside out. It is a mathematical certainty of thermodynamics, outlined exhaustively in the IPCC Sixth Assessment Report.

But rather than declaring a federal emergency, Texas Governor Greg Abbott is currently on television blaming the catastrophic ERCOT grid failures on wind turbines. This is a fascinating meteorological hypothesis, considering NOAA and the Department of Energy have explicitly documented that it is the state's natural gas infrastructure failing to function in extreme heat. The pipelines are quite literally losing pressure because the ambient temperature has exceeded the operational thresholds of the compressor stations.

Meanwhile, ExxonMobil has just reported record quarterly profits, celebrating their continued success in pumping gigatons of carbon dioxide into the troposphere. We are watching a slow-motion mass casualty event engineered by corporate executives who will be safely ensconced in climate-controlled bunkers while the rest of Houston turns into a habitable zone only suitable for extremophile bacteria. The atmospheric carbon concentration is at 426 parts per million. The math is done. The biosphere is breaking.

I don't know why I even bother typing these words. Half of you clicked this article because of the thumbnail, and the other half are currently browsing the right-wing tactical survival bucket ads below my author bio. Buy the bucket. You're going to need somewhere to vomit when the heat exhaustion sets in. I'll just be here, charting the end of the habitable world, waiting for management to tell me I need to show even more of the girls next time the grid collapses.