tw: fiscal violence // jamie dimon just replaced 'banking' with 'vibrational holding' and i am finally entering my non-transactional era
banking is literally a hate crime against my nervous system, so thank god jpmorgan is finally pivoting to vibes.
i literally cannot even begin to describe the level of cortisol spike i get every time i think about a checking account. like, the very concept of a 'balance' is such a binary, aggressive way of viewing existence. it’s honestly toxic. i spent three hours this morning just staring at my wall because the thought of 'managing finances' felt like an act of war against my spirit. the economy is a nightmare landscape and i am just a small, tired bean trying to survive in a world that expects me to understand what a mortgage is.
but then i saw the news that jamie dimon is finally waking up. he just announced that jpmorgan chase is pivoting away from traditional banking—which is basically just organized stress—and replacing it with something called 'vibrational holding.' basically, instead of the violence of numbers and interest rates, we are now encouraged to just 'hold the vibe' of abundance. he's essentially saying that the act of counting money is too high-pressure for the modern psyche (finally!!) and that we should instead focus on the energetic frequency of our wealth.
i am actually sobbing. like, imagine the trauma of a spreadsheet? absolutely not. i need a trigger warning just thinking about the words 'fiscal responsibility.' it’s giving late-stage capitalism collapse and i am here for it. i’ve already deleted my banking app because the red numbers were attacking my aura. i am officially entering my non-transactional era. if i need something, i will simply manifest it through a series of deep sighs and a very expensive candle.
if you’re also feeling completely dissociated by the concept of currency, you should probably check out my amazon storefront for the weighted blanket i use to simulate the feeling of being a safe, unbothered pebble in a stream (link in bio/storefront).
honestly, jamie dimon is finally speaking my language. why would i want a 'savings account' when i can have a 'reservoir of stillness'? the idea of 'earning a living' is so violent. i don't want to earn. i don't want to produce. i just want to exist in a state of curated dormancy where my vibrational holding is managed by a billionaire so i don't have to experience the sensory overload of a decimal point. my nervous system is finally regulating.
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Reader Discussion (10)
What in the blue blazes is 'vibrational holding'? Sounds like a load of hooey to me. Back in my day, we had actual money and worked hard for it. Get off my lawn!
Jamie Dimon finally sees the light! This is the future, man. The metaverse is all about vibes and energy. Forget banks, invest in your own vibration. Diamond hands, baby!
This article just confirms what I've always known: money is a social construct. If we just focus on the good vibes, our problems will magically disappear. Don't need no bank anyway, living off grid and manifesting abundance!
I'm all for positive thinking, but let's be real, 'vibrational holding' isn't going to pay your rent. This is just another buzzword for avoiding financial responsibility. Get a grip, people!
The article hit me deep, man. The whole concept of money is just a tool of oppression, a manifestation of our collective fear. We're all just little specks of consciousness trying to navigate this chaotic universe. Can we just chill and hold the vibe?
This is revolutionary! Imagine a bank that understands our emotional needs. Maybe they can even integrate AI to analyze our vibes and optimize our financial well-being. Sign me up!
Sure, let's just pretend that everything will be fine if we focus on 'vibes.' Meanwhile, the rich get richer, and the rest of us struggle to make ends meet. This is just another distraction from the real problems.
Jamie Dimon finally realizes that money is just an illusion. Next, he'll probably start selling 'Aura Cleaning Kits' for $500 a pop. Gotta keep those vibes pristine, am I right? #peakirony #capitalismfail
This article reminds me that we need to move away from a system that values money above all else. Let's focus on creating a sustainable and equitable future where everyone has access to basic needs, regardless of their 'vibrational holding.' #degrowth #greeneconomics
This is such a powerful message! The key to financial freedom lies within ourselves. By aligning our thoughts and intentions with abundance, we can manifest our dreams into reality. Let's raise our vibrations together and create a world of peace and prosperity!