YOU WON'T BELIEVE What The Gulf Stream Is Doing (Plus: My Skincare Routine for the Apocalypse!)

Management informed me this morning that engagement metrics on my climate analyses are down 40 percent. So, here we are again. Yes, I am fully aware of the thumbnail image attached to this article. Yes, I know my breasts take up half the frame. No, it was not my choice. But apparently, putting 'the girls' on display is the exclusively proven method on this forsaken network to divert your attention from the tactical bucket ads long enough to read about the impending end of human habitability on Earth.

Now that you are looking: the Atlantic Meridional Overturning Circulation (AMOC) is dying. According to the latest meteorological data from NOAA’s National Centers for Environmental Information, sea surface temperatures in the North Atlantic have maintained a terrifying +2.4 degree Celsius anomaly. In statistical terms, this is a five-sigma event. Mathematically, it should not be happening. The thermohaline circulation system that regulates the entire Northern Hemisphere's climate is stalling out because glacial melt from the Greenland ice sheet is flooding the ocean with cold, buoyant freshwater.

I have a Ph.D. from MIT in atmospheric physics. I spent my twenties running complex fluid dynamic models of ocean currents. Today, I am forced to use thirst traps to beg you to look at the IPCC’s Sixth Assessment Report. The data clearly shows we are approaching a catastrophic tipping point, yet ExxonMobil and Chevron continue to report record offshore extraction yields. ExxonMobil’s highly publicized carbon capture and storage initiatives offset roughly 0.1 percent of their total Scope 3 emissions. It is a mathematical farce, designed to placate regulators while they squeeze the last drops of profit out of a dying planet.

While the ocean turns into a literal thermal bath and we track wet-bulb temperatures that will soon make the tropics fundamentally incompatible with human biology, Mark Zuckerberg is busy pouring concrete for an expansive subterranean bunker complex in Kauai. He knows what is coming. The data is completely unclassified and publicly available via NASA’s Goddard Institute for Space Studies. The billionaire class is not trying to save the planet; they are trying to outrun the physics of it.

We are watching the Holocene expire in real-time, and I am sitting here being forced to leverage my cleavage to compete with the algorithm's aggressive promotion of pseudo-scientific colloidal silver supplements. The global food supply chain will fracture within our lifetimes. Please read the NOAA reports. Please stop buying apocalypse rations from the sidebar. God, I am so incredibly tired.