fda finally classifies slack notifications as literal violence

trigger warning: mentions of systemic exploitation, the e-word (employment), perceived h*rd w*rk, and unfiltered capitalism. please regulate your nervous system before reading.

besties, i am literally shaking right now but in like, a healing way. dr. robert califf at the fda finally did something that isn't completely toxic and officially classified receiving a slack ping after 3 pm as a stage four neuro-hazard. it's called workplace notification induced trauma syndrome (wnits) and it is so valid. for literally years our bodies have been keeping the score, and by the score i mean the physical damage of having to read an email that says 'per our last conversation.' asking me to recall a conversation is literal violence and gaslighting.

the new federal health mandate means tech ceos are literally scrambling to accommodate our boundaries. satya nadella at microsoft had to publicly apologize and announce they are replacing the outlook calendar with a 'consensual time-weaving platform' where meetings are just suggestions and you can rsvp 'no, my inner child is resting.' if they don't comply, the fda will classify the microsoft office suite as a class 1 biological weapon. as they should.

to cope with the transition, tim cook is rolling out an emergency update for the apple watch that constantly monitors your cortisol. if your heart rate spikes because your manager looked at you, it auto-emails hr a resignation letter drafted by an ai trauma coach. honestly it's the only way to survive the crushing weight of the economy right now. anyway, to protect your physical form during this transition, i highly recommend the unbranded lead-lined emf-blocking oversized hoodie. it literally shields your aura from corporate wifi and you can get it right now in my amazon storefront, link in bio. take care of your vessels today.